When I told my older sister that I was hoping to do a three year silent retreat, she was shellshocked into total silence. A couple of seconds later, after she had recovered her power of speech, she burst out laughing, “You silent? For three years?!” Giggle, guffaw, chuckle, and then finally outright hysterical-tears-running-down-her-face-laughing. I explained to her what it would mean to do a three year retreat- never leaving my small tsam- or retreat boundary- not seeing anyone who wasn't in the retreat: no mom or dad, no close friends, no strangers... no one except for the other 30 or so retreaters; no music, movies, magazines, or tv; no news of the outside world at all. But to my surprise, the thing that struck Mia as the craziest thing of all was that I wouldn't be talking for three years.
Yeah, okay, so maybe the first word anyone who knows me might think of to describe me is chatty, but for me the not talking will be the easiest part of the three years. I have done a few substantial silent solitary retreats, and I have to say, I didn't miss talking at all. Not just because there was no one around to talk to, but because the mind is so damn noisy anyway, it feels like a radio you can't turn off going on inside your head 24/7. This is something you can only see in deep retreat- that the mind is a recorder, it never forgets anything you say, think, or do. It also, unfortunately never forgets anything you see or hear. I was shocked during my first long retreat to find myself remembering things from my childhood which were long forgotten- things I believed had been erased from my memory forever.
In that first retreat, I learned the mind is deep, vast, and unforgiving. It doesn't care if you would rather not think about that regrettable thing you said to your mother five or six years ago. Nor does it care if you would rather forget the humiliation you felt in 7th grade when a boy who shall forever remain nameless didn't like you back. Yes, there is indeed someone always watching you. But that someone, for better or for worse is you.
That first retreat started a week before Christmas, and went through January. It was the first Christmas and New Year's that I had spent alone. I usually find that time of year to be especially depressing- something about being raised a Jewish Atheist, and always feeling left out at holiday time. And New Year's Eve- forget it- always scrambling at the last minute for something fun and cheap to do, always feeling a little sad and lonely.... not really being able to celebrate what I knew would just end up being the beginning of another inevitably disappointing year. But I guess what I always felt at holiday time the most was just plain loneliness. So, that year, I was prepared for the same, more so since I really would be all alone this time. The strangest thing happened though-- it turned out to be the best Christmas and New Year's I ever had. I wasn't even a little bit lonely, or a little bit sad.
For the first time in my life, I was totally present. I wasn't thinking about where I would rather be, or how I wasn't getting what I really wanted, or yearning for something more than what I had. I was perfectly content in my retreat space, knowing that I was doing the most beneficial and powerful thing that I could possibly be doing in that moment. It was really, really cool. And I hate to use this word which I believe has become a cliché, but it was probably the most profound moment of my life.
So here's the deal- if it is true that the whole world is a reflection of your mind, then the best thing I could possibly do with my life would be to reprogram my mind. Three year retreat is like a massive reboot, where you replace all those selfish images you've spent your whole life accumlulating and replace them with nonstop thoughts of love, compassion, truth, and kindness. It's just not possible to that sort of work on your mind when you are surrounded by endless amounts of shiny lights, glossy magazines, and nonstop inundation of news about Mr. and Mrs. celebrity. Because, quite frankly, it's a lot more fun to go to a John Mayer concert, or watch Avatar, or even just get a soy chai latte at my favorite Starbucks, than it is to get in touch with what is really going on in that deep world, called the Mind.
If someone said to you, all the world is coming from you- all the war, the hunger, the violence, the ignorance the poverty, and there is a chance in a million that you could stop it all by doing a three year retreat, wouldn't you do it?
